FemPower is proud to welcome Selestine, a bright, witty columnist who has her own hilarious take on the chauvinist jerks that most of us encounter in our everyday lives. She's not talking about all men, just the ones who have the unique talent for really ticking us off.:) Enjoy the first installment of Male Fail, a regular FemPower column that uncovers the worst of the worst, and in a funny, downright therapeutic way...
Because sometimes, having a dick can make you become one
Brought to you by the Queen of Sarcasm, Selestine
Greetings all my lovely readers! I am Selestine and my super power is sarcasm. More on that and myself later, but right now, its time to observe the Male Fail(s) of the day.
This column will highlight one or two fails that I encounter in my day to day life, be it at home, work, vacation, etc. These posts are not work safe/work friendly and are also dripping with sarcasm and the occasional swearing.
Scene: At Work
The first male to enter the scene was actually one on the phone, and probably one of the laziest people I've ever had the misfortune of encountering. He was asking about caulking (something which I know very little about), so I was relying on what the tubes said, as well as the huge sign our vendors put up for use to refer to. I would say “enjoy” however, I believe “cringe” would be more appropriate for this little exchange:
Me: Okay sir, what type of caulking were you looking for?
Customer: Uh... uh.... well here, hang on, let me get my wife to get the tube for me. I bought this stuff last time and I want to get it again.
The specimen proceeds to hold the phone away from his face and SCREAM at the top of his lungs.
Male Customer #1: HEY! GET ME MY CAULKING TUBE! ITS ON THE COUNTER! I'M ON THE PHONE WITH THEM NOW! JUST HURRY UP! MOVE IT I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY!
So this begs two questions, the first of which is why didn't he bother to get it before calling? The other is who in their right mind would allow their husband/wife/significant other to talk to them like that? I'm sorry, but if someone is screaming at me, they better be dying or otherwise in need of immediate medical assistance, or I am quite likely to put them in one of the above situations.
Long story short, after about four minutes of screaming to his wife-slave, he had what he needed and I was able to give him the peace of mind that we did indeed have the same caulk in the store.
Ladies, don’t ever take that kind of shit, or any shit, from anyone for any reason.
Scene: At Work
A guy comes up to the paint counter and mumbles out his order: A gallon of Brand X paint in white in exterior high-gloss. So I go and get it and drop it in the shaker for a minute. Now, just a lil tidbit of information for you - High-gloss paint is interior/exterior-calibrated (meaning you can use it as an indoor or outdoor paint.)
When its done in the shaker, I take the time to walk the can to the customer. He gets halfway to the registers, turns back, and this is what happens:
Male Customer #2: Are you sure this is exterior?
Me: Yes sir. High-gloss is an interior and exterior paint.
Male Customer #2: Are you sure?
The customer then looks to Danny (another paint associate) who is standing about ten feet from me.
Danny: Yes sir, it IS an interior and exterior paint.
Male Customer #2: Okay thanks.
At that point I'm disgusted. I walk into the phone room and the freight manager is in there. He’s very nice and has a killer sense of humor. I tell him about Male Customer #2, and he just shakes his head smirking.
Maybe someday, the sexist pigs of the world will wake up and realize that I didn’t trade my brains for tits. On that note, this is Selestine, signing off.