Thursday, May 6, 2010

Fempinions: Selestine's Male Fail

Dark Greetings to all my wonderful readers. I’m terribly sorry for having been MiA for so long. There was a death in the family and I simply could not write anything until now. So for your reading enjoyment, I bring you a deluxe edition of Male Fail (with some Female Fails included.)

This issue will highlight how unsexy verbal abuse is, among other things, of course.

Take the not-so-happy couple checking out the FA paint yesterday. The wife seemed really excited about getting to check out the colors. Now, normally I don't pay attention to what customers say to each other when I'm not actually assisting them, but they were in during a lull and really, there wasn't anything else to hear. So while I'm flipping through color charts, I hear that she wants to paint their kitchen blue. Apparently, that was a bad thing.

Husband: That’s so stupid! People do NOT paint their kitchens blue. Come on!
Wife: Of course they do! Its versatile and-
Husband: Look, you need to yield on this. I MUST have input otherwise this is all on you!

Due to his voice rising on the last bit, I looked up from my color browsing. The wife got quiet after that and didn't speak up unless the husband picked out a color.

Husband: Okay lets go, wifey. We have enough for today.
Wife: I think maybe we should look at the MS colors next.
Husband: Oh for Christ’s sake! How stupid! You're being foolish.

I couldn't even bring myself to approach them because I knew I would end up saying something to the husband that would set him off, but I did alert a fellow associate as to what I had seen and they kept an eye on them throughout the store. Nothing happened, but the associate noted that while they were cashing out, the husband kept saying "You're being good now" to his wife.

All I could think of when reflecting on that couple was the following: Were I married, or otherwise in a relationship, and my guy spoke to ME that way, he could expect an ear full right then and there (and no place to sleep once we arrived home). I don't care which side of the relationship someone is in. That shit isn't called for. But said shit seemed to be the theme of the day, because 15 minutes after they left, I get "Barbie" walking by the paint desk with her husband and young child (looked about 5 or so.)

B's Husband: Honey, would you like me to look into the deck stains while we're here?
Barbie: NO! I want you to fucking finish the damn projects you already started!!!!!

I shake my head and just cringe and start praying that they don't come to the paint desk at any point. Well, I only get half lucky there as Barbie, after passing the desk, looks around all lost-like, throws her arms in the air in a defeated/dismissive gesture, and faces me.

Barbie: Where are the blinds?!
Me: If you mean decor, that’s in the back half of the store to the left over by the hardwood flooring just before you reach the lighting department.
Barbie: Well where the hell is THAT supposed to be?!?!?!?!
Me: *blinks, and speaks a bit slower* Down THIS aisle, take a left, then take a right when you see hardwood floors.

She stormed off in a huff. My thoughts at the time: "You're welcome, bitch." and "I can't believe he married THAT."

Its sad, but the guys of my age group actually want women like that. By “that” I mean good-looking by society standards (and yes, we all know how flawed that concept is.) Doesn’t matter that she’s a bitch. If she looks like a supermodel, the guys will want her over anyone else. Quite sad.

Moving on...

Oh yes, one of my pet peeves has become rampant. It goes a little something like this: If you approach me and tell me you want to do a certain project the right way, and proceed to ask me how its done, do not proceed to take up my time if you intend to fight me the entire time by trying to get me to say things that would be corner-cutting... aka... not doing a project the right way.

A very nice lady came to the paint desk and told me she needed to re-stain her deck. She also said that she wanted to do it the right way. So I lead her down the exterior stain aisle as she tells me what condition her deck is in right now, etc etc.

Lady: Well I used TWS on it last year and its horrible! I want to stain the deck and never use that stuff again. I just want to use the Premium products.
Me: I understand completely. What you have to do first is use a stripper solution. That will remove the TWS and any other chemical buildup on the wood. Next you will want to apply the deck prep solution. Once that’s done, you must wait for the wood to dry completely before using the stain.
Lady: Wait, stripper solution? Deck prep? What’s all that?
Me: *goes into an informative and easy to understand lesson on using stripper solution and deck prep to get the job done right the first time*
Lady: You are so talking me out of doing this right now. All I want to do is cover up whats already there.
Me: I know, and I'm telling you how to do that. Its a process, like anything else, so it will take some time, but the end result will be fantastic.
Lady: But I'm selling the house. Can't I just put the stain over what’s there now?
Me: No, you can't. The stain has nothing to adhere to because the TWS is there and that prevents adhesion. You need to remove that in order for the stain to work, otherwise you're going to have nothing but a slip and fall hazard on the deck because it will never dry.
Lady: *goes on and on about not wanting to spend a lot of money and blah blah*
Me: Well ma'am, I've given you instructions on how to do the job right, which is what you asked me for.
Lady: *gets a gallon of semi-transparent stain off the shelf* I'll just put this over the TWS.
Me: *withholding a sigh* Fine, but do a test area first. Don't just dump the whole gallon over the deck.

Meanwhile, a line about 7 people long had formed at the desk and I was by myself. Yippee.

Next is a guy who was very nice, but like the lady, was shocked to hear that staining his deck was going to include more than just picking out a stain color and applying it.

Me: Yes sir, how can I help you today?
Guy: Well I want to stain my deck with a solid stain. I have a prior stain on there right now, and also some new, unstained wood I'd like to do from a deck extension that’s about to be completed.
Me: Sure thing.
Guy: I want to do this the right way, so, how do I do that? Just get the stain and apply it, right?
Me: Well no. First you need to apply a stripping solution to the part of the deck that was stained before. Then you'll want to take the deck prep solution over both the stained and unstained parts of the deck. That will neutralize the wood and get it ready for the stain. Once the wood is dry from that, you can then apply the stain.
Guy: Holy shit...! I didn't think it was that involved...
Me: Yeah, it can be.
Guy: Why can't I just stain over it?
Me: *launches into an informative and easy to understand explanation as to why one simply cannot just apply stain over previously stained surfaces and unprepped surfaces*
Guy: *sighs* Okay, get me what I need for this.

So I take him down the aisles and explain what he needs as we go along, frequently referring to the instructions on the back of the solutions. On a personal observation note here, I've found that when I have to read instructions off of the label to someone more than three times, they are not going to bother reading it when they get home and return to the store to whine and complain.
Anyway, I get him the brush and nap he'll need, plus the two solutions.

Guy: I still don't understand why I can't just stain over it. This color right here... *points to a dark brown on the color chart* ...looks like what I have on there now.
Me: *refrains from a much-needed eye roll* Sir, I've explained to you why you should not simply stain over it. I will add that if you just put the stain over the existing stain, you negate the guarantee and manufacturers warranty on the stain. And just so we're on the same page, is the stain you have on there now a Premium product?
Guy: Well I don't know. My wife bought it. I have no idea what she bought.
Me: All the more reason to follow my instructions.

So he picks out a color (which was a far cry from the dark brown he had originally pointed to) and I mix the stain for him while he goes to get other stuff.

Last but not least for today, we have Grumpy Guy. He was in the interior aisle looking for ceiling paint.

Me: Finding everything alright, sir?
GG: Where's your ceiling paint in quart size?
Me: We don't carry ceiling paint in quart size, sorry.
GG: Well why the hell not?
Me: The rep is aware that there is a call for it, unfortunately, the company simply does not offer that particular paint in that size at this time. I have a gallon I can give you for free though, if you want.
GG: And just what in the hell am I supposed to do with all that?! Drink it?!
Me: *walks away, thinking: Please do.*

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